During the last few weeks everything has slowed down to a halt.

The guy that I met on New Year's Eve left town, didn't take my heart with him, but left me with other issues to worry about. I'm pretty much wracked with insecurities due to a dumb move he made and feeling pretty isolated and high-strung because of it.

I did meet a very nice person last Thursday and I ran into him this afternoon at a film, but felt too cowed by other things on my mind to actually relax a little more around him.

I'm tired.

I crave interaction and it seems like I just get one obstacle after another thrown in front of me. I'm trying hard to remove them or navigate around them completely.

I haven't been blogging here. If you've read my profile, you know that can only mean one thing: there's been some activity.

It is even not an understatement to say there has been too much activity.

Some things developed, some things fizzled, other were just in limbo.

I have three dates this week. This has never happened in the history of, well... me.

I haven't changed anything about who I am or how I act, but people seem to be responding to my presence now. All at the same time.

It's all very confusing. But a bit intimidating too. Everyone else seems to have a better grasp of what's going on than I do. Even the younger ones. And are there ever a lot of younger ones. Most of these guys are 8 to 10 years younger than I am.

I can say that age bothers me a lot less now.

I found myself growing fond of one of one guy I went to see a few movies with, and he emailed me the other day to say he met a nice girl. Oh well. He seemed to be the most well-rounded and laid back of the group, but that's life. We'll still go to the movies, which I very much enjoyed.

I met a guy on New Year's Eve. He is the one I am most sexually attracted to. We have been trying to reconnect for the last 3 weeks or so, and it's just poor timing. He told me to call him today, and when I did, he told me he might call me back. Might. He seemed pretty eager to see me again even up until Thursday, the last time we spoke. I can't put my finger on it, but when he said, "I have company," I don't think it was a drinking buddy.

While waiting for him to call me back, another guy called me just now. I didn't think he was very interested. Frankly, I think he just might be bored because I am certainly not his type. I think I could just be a way to "kill time." He is a pretty cool guy in many other respects, and wouldn't mind spending time with him platonically. Which brings me to another thing. I am not sure what his intentions are. He might just talk a good game, or not have a lot of female friends, therefore not too sure how to talk to one he isn't necessarily hitting on.

A guy who works at the company I left asked me out. A guy who works at the company I am at asked me out.

A guy who I thought blew me off during the Christmas break, but actually left town to be with his family, asked me out to dinner this week.

There are others.

It beats the alternative of being alone, but I actually find this all rather stressful. Every one of these guys has something to recommend them, or I wouldn't spend any time on them. But no one has a good combination of many elements that makes me straighten up and look on in amazement. I'm not talking fireworks; I'm thinking more about puzzle pieces fitting together. Each one is very different from the other, so it's not like I can compare one person to another.

I am still not the mistress of flirting, but I do notice that I do it a lot more, and think about it a lot less. I'm kind of on automatic. So the attention leads to some types of insecurities, but also destroys others.

I wish I'd had some of these experiences when I was younger instead of trying to understand them now. It's like time is out of joint.

The last two weeks have been uneventful. Last night made up for it in spades.

I danced with a few different people at the club I was at, which is a change. I wasn't counting on that.

I danced with this cute young guy because my regular partner had gone off the dancefloor for a bit. While I was dancing I began flirting with him. Actually it was just because the music last night had some filthy basslines and I was just moving to the beat. He responded positively.

It was pretty clear where this was going. When he took a quick bathroom break. I began dancing with another new person. A better dancer, very appealing, but we didn't get a chance to talk.

I danced with some other folks and it was a great night and morning. I almost didn't go because I was sure I wouldn't have a good time, and got way more than I bargained for.

There is someone at work who is fond of me. We have always been friendly, and we got along well when he used to frequent a store where I worked when I was in university. I encountered him again at a concert in Spring and we had a nice conversation. Since I started we have greeted each other every day and sometimes have a light conversation.

Earlier this week he asked me if he could take me to have some coffee and dessert, and I was kind of stunned but I said yes. Partially because the way he did it was kind of calculated; the other reason was I was not too sure of his intention.

Since then I find he is still friendly but much cooler toward me. Today though (I was at work today), he waited until he could speak to me without others around and said he was busy this week but he hadn't forgotten his invitation and really wanted to do something.

Intercompany dating is not frowned upon at my workplace, but I personally frown upon it. I am trying to approach things differently in my life, but I would have less of a problem going on a date with someone in the company who was in a completely different division and building, not someone only a few desks away that I see everyday.

Nothing happened with that dinner I mentioned, but I did go to see a film with someone I already knew. It was our first outing without a gaggle of other people, besides some occasional walks down the street on our way to do something or see somebody. Someone told me he was interested this summer, but at first I didn't believe it. Then I thought it might be true, but I considered him rather immature. Then I saw it for my own eyes a few weeks ago, I really understood his interest, but I thought he is so much younger than I am, there was no point.

Well, I decided recently if he is so interested I would take him up on his offer to do something, and at the same time finally quell any thoughts he had that we could possibly hit it off in any other manner than just being pals.

My plan was ruined, when I began having fun immediately.

It was very simple: we met for a quick dinner in the food court, and lost track of time talking for about an hour and a half. Got to the movie theatre watched a film, and headed back home. When he got off the metro I found I was actually sad to see him go. I was rather fond of him just as a friend, but as we talked I realized he is quite a thoughtful and considerate person. It was the least pressure I've had on a date ever and I was really relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed his company. And I found the age became less and less of an issue. In fact it wasn't an issue after the first 5 minutes. Well, after the first minute really.

I got a call from someone who said he would like to have dinner. No one in my life has ever called me up and said, let's have dinner. Who was not a frequently seen friend or acquaintance.

However, it is someone who I knew years ago (#1). After what happened last weekend though, I am not too sure of myself.

I look back on the events of the last two weeks and my own misperceptions, and it really unnerves me. I've also been thinking about the past summer and fall and the person I was attracted to.

That's because quite a few people I know have recently mentioned lying to other people in an effort to "let them down easy." I was kind of surprised by this, because I think you can be nice when you have something difficult to do that feels bad, and still be honest. Quite a few of these conversations revealed that lying was doing the other person "a favour" or a standard operating practice.

I am inclined to disagree. It creates a whole new set of misinformation that is just not helpful to the person receiving it.

It shouldn't be an issue because we've become good friends, but I know he doesn't like to make people feel bad. I wonder if what he told me was a half-truth in order to "ease the blow"? I took some of what he told me as information I could use when dealing with others, but who knows. It could be... lies.

I can feel myself withdrawing from people. I have been making an effort not to let my quiet shy side win.

But there's less sunlight, and it's freezing and I have so much to do at work. Also recent exchanges with people have shown me I still don't have a good handle on what is going on. Actually, I know what's going on. Nothing.

I'm getting older, I don't have perfect skin, my body is average, but average is not good enough; people seem to want more: bouncier, rounder, flatter (I have all that, just in the wrong areas :p). On this subject there seems to be little negotiation.

I'm not a conventional beauty, but I think there must be something worth noting.

I have to relearn being alone without being lonely. I am having trouble. I can feel myself going through one of my "giving up" phases and I don't like it.

On the way to the train station from work, I didn't hold the door open at De la Gauchetiere as I usually do for the person behind me as he was pretty far away. He caught up by the time I was at the inner door and I kept that one open. He was nice enough, definitely younger than me, but quite willing to chat. Cute, too.

He wasn't interested in me, that's not why I'm writing this. We walked in the same direction for two or three minutes, all the while being very agreeable and he made a point of saying goodnight. I was actually not very talkative. But I wonder if he knows how nice it made me feel for a stranger to think I was worth talking to in such a friendly way.

I'm losing faith in my ability to understand people's motivations.

I thought I was going on a date tonight, but I wasn't. Sometimes an invitation to coffee is just that. It doesn't bother me if I get such a platonic invitation, I love talking to new people and catching up with old ones, but somehow I guess our wires got crossed because I really thought there was some other form of interest.

I did have a good time though.

Nah, I think I was imagining things. I had a nice time though, and enjoyed the company.

When I got home there was an email from someone else though, suggesting we go out and do something.

So there is this guy at work who seems to be more than polite and has gone out of his way at least twice to talk to me. I knew him a little before I started and he is very nice. He is very soft-spoken and I think there is something about him that is quite gentle and sensual.

He has asked me out to lunch, but has left the day open.

The company is large enough and I know people that have actually gotten together there so it would only be breaking a taboo... for me.

Dating and work are two things I do not think should mix.

Until now. It is not total desperation, but at the same time, I do not have a lot of people to pick from. Until recently. It is very weird how everything is happening at once.

I'm not trying to get ahead of myself in terms of what will happen between us. Just thinking of possible ramifications if we do click. I think I will suggest Thursday and see what happens.

I've been getting some emails from someone I reconnected with recently. The emails have been fast and furious while I've been away on my trip.

They've taken a fairly suggestive turn. It was his doing.

I don't mind.

The one thing I am not interested in doing is conducting too many more interactions in email without some commitment to face time in the near future.

I suffer from chronic insomnia. I have since I was about 13 or 14.

I have actively tried many things to disrupt the pattern in the last twenty years, especially in the last ten.

Being in a relationship, even a long-distance one, helped dramatically.

For three days this week, I slept very badly. As usual. Last night, I slept for 11 hours. I am away from home and sharing a hotel room. My roommate said he decided to let me sleep because he is aware of my long-standing problem. I didn't have a "sleep hangover," which sometimes happens after getting no sleep then suddenly sleeping for a very long time one night. I feel great. I look more relaxed.

Today we went out, and I noticed I was way more confident when making eye contact or smiling at guys. In fact, I usually am not confident at all.

I do notice, though, whenever I go away, more guys look in the first place, which doesn't really happen at home. I am trying to figure out how much of this is not being in Montreal and how much is getting good rest.

I try to take care of my emotional and physical well-being, but this is another reminder that good health does affect the impact of having "good game."

A few emails have been going back and forth after the events last week Friday.

#5 has begun emailing me in the last three days with some casual conversation. #1 definitely wants to get together after work. I put the ball backin his court and said I'd like to do something. I told him I will be busy up until next week, but he said I should contact him when I'm free. It puts the ball back in my court.

I don't want it in my court! I am making this whole thing up as I go along! It's progress though.

In reference to the five interesting encounters on Friday, #1 and #3 have sent me emails. #1 has asked me if I want to go do something some time and has suggested a bite to eat after work.

Tee hee.

Now I have to figure out how to do this thing properly. It's not even like I am out of practice, I've had no practice, this is a rare thing. It's such an interesting turn of events!

I do understand, however, that many of these interactions could just be friendly and nothing more, (or even not be friendly, but fizzle) but it is awful nice to open up the potential of something happening just by talking to more people and widening my circle of friends.

Friday was interesting. I was busy.

1 - After lunch, I was headed back to work and I ran into someone I hadn't seen since I first started working at my job two and a half years ago. It was a nice conversation and contact information was exchanged and a request to get a coffee together to talk some more soon.

2 - The night before, I went to a party. It was pretty nice. I didn't know anybody, save two people, and I couldn't find the one that invited me until I had to get ready to leave. Not too sure about his level of interest, maybe I am reading more into this than I should, but when I got back to my desk after lunch, he responded to an email I wrote him to thank him (it was a really nice party) and he said we should socialize soon. I would like that under any circumstances, but we tend to run into each other in passing for several years. I'm not sure if he was just being polite or if he was trying to ask to do something. I wrote back and said, it would be fun if we did do something some time. He's older, but we like a lot of the same things.

3 - Friday was my last day at work, so I was invited out for drinks after work. A newer employee I hadn't had much time to talk to came along. After the first or second question he asked me, he realized that I was, in fact, an interesting person, and one that seemed to have a few things in common with him. He had my email address, which I sent to everyone in my final email before I left, and he said he would use it soon.

4 - I was a little drunk so decided to walk it off instead of taking the metro. I regularly stop by a store and visit one of my friends, but decided not to bother him this time. As I was walking, I ran into him anyway, since he was on a break. One of my friends has been telling me for a while he thinks I am interesting, but he is much younger than me and I didn't really believe him. On Friday, I saw what he was talking about. He has asked me a few times at the spur of the moment if I would have dinner or a coffee with him. I think I will take him up on it next time.

5 - Ran into someone at my friend's workplace that I had not seen in the 21st century. He was pretty interesting in the 1900s, but he seemed just an nice and interesting now, actually a bit more talkative too. I gave him my card, because he is a good professional contact for my side projects, but I hope he uses it for other reasons. I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I recall he had a penchant for smaller women, Asian, quieter, with slight frames. Ummm, none of those are me. Whatever.

2 and 4 seem the most interesting to me. Oddly, they are the lower limit and upper limit of the age spread between me and these five, both by quite a bit. I don't know if #2 knows how old I am and is 14 yrs my senior (I actually looked it up online :") ) even though I thought he was maybe, 6 or so years older, and #4 knows my exact age and clocks me in as a cradle-snatcher by 8 years. Go figure.

I related the events I described in last night's entry to a friend of mine, and he seemed quite exasperated with me. One of the things he asked me was if I blame my friend for my not being able to make eye contact with some guy I think is hot. I think he completely missed the point.

People help each other, and in a similar situation, I would tell her if someone was admiring her if she did not immediately notice. What she did after receiving that information would be up to her. But she would have this possibly useful tip. In fact I've done it before for many people, and for some it has led to something interesting. It's about reciprocity and small acts.

In case anyone else thought it, I was not blaming my friend for my not being able to take some initiative, I was annoyed that I lost what could have been an easy opportunity to interact with someone new, which I feel are few and far between, especially in this capacity.

I guess I could take it as a compliment that she thought nothing of a guy looking at me, and that it must happen all of the time.

Well, my male friends often refer to one of their male buddies as their wingman when they go out on the town. The wingman is his company for the night if nothing happens, but if he sees that certain someone the wingman will help make things happen and if need be scram when things get interesting. He can also fend off danger.

I got your back, buddy.

I've been a wingwoman plenty of times, for male and female friends, without being prompted. I get it.

Tonight I went out for dinner with a friend (we ate and paid far too much). The lower part of the restaurant has a bar in the middle and it is surrounded by booths.

My companion tells me a guy was looking at me rather intently about ten or fifteen minutes before when we were deep in conversation.

"REALLY??"

"Yes. I'm surprised you didn't notice."

"Are you sure? Why didn't you say anything before??"

"I don't know."

Well, she tells me he's sitting at my 7 o'clock and he is sitting at a table with a mess of people. He looked AWESOME. I had to pick my mouth off the floor. Not bad AT ALL.

I try to catch his eye a few times, but we are awkwardly placed for that sort of thing.

"The one in the green shirt right." I need to doublecheck. Did I mention he was AWESOME? Not just looks, he had a nice demeanour. He seemed really laid back, and genuinely involved in his interactions with his friends.

"Yes. He gave you a rather long and meaningful look when he was at the bar, then he went back to his table. You were looking at me."

"You should have told me something!!"

(silence)

I couldn't figure out what to do. I didn't want to approach him in front of all of his friends, especially since I didn't see him looking at me myself. As we left this evening, I had a sinking feeling I would never see him again.

:-/

I went out on Friday night. Danced and danced and danced.  No one I don't know dances with me. The last time someone new did that  was in another city in September and I was actually quite shocked (and happy) that it happened. I can't remember the last time someone new danced with me before that. I just can't.

For a change 3 people danced with me, but it was nothing great. One notable event was I actually took some initiative and danced with someone, but halfway through he was obviously not interested in dancing anymore, even though he had been hovering around for quite a long time before that, so that  was a bit demoralizing.

Anyway, the most important thing was I got out and had a good time with my friends.

cityflirting linked to an article about online dating.


That's the case for some women, not all. As in real life, while everyone is falling all over themselves for a small group of people, there are others who are perfectly fine, and maybe even a better or near perfect match on an individual basis, that are often overlooked. Many of these people are women.